I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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