I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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