Moan for me like Helen Keller
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
