dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
