Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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