I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
