I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
