i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
