We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
