i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
