also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
