I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
