Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
