I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently you make a good broom.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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