She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
