did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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