I need to stop coming to work sober
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
