I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Houston, we have a blender
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
