So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
