Dual....:-)
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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