I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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