You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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