Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
