my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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