There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
