I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
