I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I could make wine with my vomit
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
