I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
