The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
