just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
