I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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