I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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