i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
