dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
