My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
