Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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