Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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