I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
