not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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