Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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