I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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