We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
