nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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