Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
