he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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