I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
