Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
