I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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