i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
