alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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