Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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