I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
