Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
